It's Not About Me

When clients discover I have two children of my own, the topic immediately turns to my own labor and delivery experiences. I would love to be able to answer that the births of my children were beautiful experiences that were the best times of my life. But that would be a lie. So what do I say instead?  How can I share about my experience appropriately without absolutely terrifying my clients in the process? Simple answer- I really can't.

So instead, I usually reply with something along the lines of "Your birth is not about me or my experiences, every woman and every labor is different". Which is the truth. Occasionally, I am able to use my personal experiences as a teaching moment when we are designing the client's birth preferences, which is usually when the question about my own experience is posed. My own experiences are a great reminder that things rarely go exactly according to plan. I don't like to give details to my clients, but I usually am able to say "I had two births, neither went according to my plans, one varied slightly and one was totally different. However, my kids and I are all ok, and having a deviation from the plan isn't the end of the world. Birth is fluid and we must adapt."

I'll share my experiences here, but as a disclaimer, do NOT let this discourage you from preparing for your desired birth. I'm still holding out hope that when it's time for the next baby, I'll get the beautiful birth I've been dreaming of for years.


 I had my birth preferences (birth plan) ready to go each time. I had in my mind a beautiful picture of
how the labor and delivery would go. With my son, I wanted a quick, natural hospital delivery. What I got was weeks of prodromal labor, and horrible SPD. When active labor finally arrived, I was exhausted but hoped it would be over soon. 84 hours later, he arrived. During my time in the hospital, I was bullied, given pitocin to "speed things up" when I stalled at 5 cm for over 20 hours, threatened with a c-section, and given an episiotomy against my will. They whisked him away to the nursery and gave him formula without my consent, and that was the beginning of the destruction of our breastfeeding relationship. The whole experience felt rushed and like I was out of control.

With my daughter, I didn't want a repeat of my last experience, so I chose to have a home birth. I planned and prepared, and had the picture perfect pregnancy. My due date came and went, no worries from me. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night to my water breaking. I was so excited, it was finally time! I grabbed my phone to call my midwife, and I flipped on the bedroom light. All my joy turned to terror as I realized I was standing in a puddle of blood, with more rushing down my legs. I knew what bloody show looked like, and I knew what a placental abruption looked like. This was the latter. I sent a photo of the blood to my midwife and she immediately responded with what I already knew in my heart: go to the hospital ASAP, don't wait. So we grabbed a few things and flew out the door. Labor started in the car, hard and fast, and with every contraction more blood came running out. We got to the hospital about an hour after my water broke, and they took me upstairs. They took one look at me, and tried to get my daughter's heart on the monitor. It was there, but it was all over the place. My contractions were coming every 2 minutes, and I was already 8 1/2 cm, but I had lost too much blood and they couldn't wait. They rushed me back for a c-section and a blood transfusion. It all happened so fast, I felt completely out of control and for a minute there I actually thought I was going to die. It was without a doubt the worst experience of my life. Thankfully, both my daughter and I survived with minimal physical scarring, though emotionally it certainly took its toll on me.

So why am I sharing this here? What purpose does it serve? The point is, it's not about me. Yes, I have had birth experiences that were far from ideal. But that doesn't mean that happens to everyone. Especially what happened with my daughter, I'm in the minority. So when you ask about my birth experiences and I simply say "neither really went according to my plans, but we are all ok, but this isn't about me", now you know why. I don't want to scare you, or dissuade you from following your dreams for your birth. I don't want you to take my experience as the end all, be all. I don't want you to compare our experiences. I don't ever want you to doubt your ability, to doubt your body.

Your birth is about you and your baby. It's not about me.